After Dean. 

I’ve come to the realization that the timeline of my life is as follows. Before Dean, with Dean and after Dean. I’m positive that my husband feels this way as well. And we both can agree that neither of us likes our lives very much ‘after Dean’. Nothing positive has come into our lives since he died. We’re just breathing beings. Nothing more. Nothing seems worth any effort. I no longer buy clothing or makeup or have my hair done by a professional. None of it means anything to me but a waste of time. Living, now, to me is a waste of time. I have no purpose. And what’s a person to do when they’ve got no purpose?

My purpose left me 1 year, 7 months and 20 days ago.

I hate me.

I am seriously starting to hate the person that I am becoming. I have so much rage inside of me know and it’s VERY unfamiliar territory to me.

I know my body. I have always been extremely self-aware. But now, I am clueless about myself. Taking all of the fertility medication has made me a stranger to myself.

This should be easy. Take meds, egg retrieval, ICSI, insemination, pregnant, baby. But the meds didn’t work and I only had 2 viable follicles. My doctor decided on IUI instead of IVF. Now I’m playing the waiting game. If I don’t get pregnant by this, then it’s back to the Clomid and gonal-f and try it again. My doctor is also asking me about using donor eggs. That’s a whole other idea to process.

So, here I am. Loathing the jealous, angry bitch that I am becoming. I can’t even look at children right now without crying. And they’re everywhere. So you see where I’m going with this. Please just wish me strength. Because I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

I hate my life. 

Things just haven’t been going as planned. By this time I should’ve had egg retrieval and embryo transfer. But I have not. 

I got a call from my doctor, not nurse, which is always a bad sign. She said that I’m not responding to the stimulation medication like I should be. So, she wanted me to take the ovidrel on Thursday night and go in for an IUI on Saturday morning. I did. Now it’s a waiting game. 

15 long, drawn out days. I can test early. But that never works for the best. I’m praying that the IUI works. If it doesn’t then doc wants me back on clomid. We’ll try that and see if we get more than 2 follicles. 

There’s too much going on that is wearing me out. Hubby and I are scheduled to fly to L.A. on April 25th to be on The Real, where we’ll meet Lennon and his family. Lennon has my son’s heart. We’ll, now it’s his heart. His family is so looking forward to meeting us. We’d love to meet them as well. But this isn’t really an opportune time. 

And so it begins….

I feel like I am starting the first day of school! I’ve gone over the paperwork again and again. Watched the medication injection instruction videos over and over. I think I’ve got this!! Tomorrow starts the bloodwork and ultrasounds. I’ll probably be monitored daily until it’s time for egg retrieval. That should be between 8 and 15 days from tomorrow. I am extremely nervous that when the doctor goes to retrieve my eggs, none will be viable. Because of my age and other complications from past pregnancies, she’s giving me about a 4% change of conception. I just keep telling myself that the odds can’t be that stacked against me. That we are GOING to have a baby. I can’t be bogged down by negativity, so I asked all of my friends to send me their favorite baby pictures. Pictures that inspired them or moved them in some way. It has really helped.

Yesterday, I taught another CPR class at my church. My priest can’t look at me without starting to cry. He loved my son, Dean. At Dean’s funeral, it took Father almost 15 minutes to compose himself before starting the mass. He just cried and cried. Knowing that so many people are keeping us in their daily thoughts and prayers has also been a huge help. Dean was only here for 23 months. But he made a huge impact on a lot of people’s lives. Mostly mine and my husband’s. So I have to keep going knowing that my son would want my husband and me to be happy. Happy with whatever happens. Whether it’s with a new baby or maybe even adopting or fostering a child. But I also know that he wants me to keep trying. NOT to quit!


My Surge

I was planning on making pancakes and sausage for breakfast, from Whole Foods. But I got my LH surge and headed to the fertility clinic at O dark-thirty. They called at 11 to tell me that it’s time to start charting. Ten days from today I start oral meds. Eleven days adds injections to the mix. I am SO nervous about injecting myself! I’ve given other people shots is one thing. But….ouch!!!!

I need as much luck as I can get! It’s time to start searching online for rabbit’s feet and 4 leaf clovers!!!

Information Overload!

I went in for my nurse talk and to sign all of the paperwork. I’m so used to tracking my cycles that that part is no biggie. But the medication schedule is totally overwhelming!! Even with the day by day list written down, it still makes my head spin!! Especially since this is the first time I’ve ever done this. They don’t want to overwhelm me, but I feel like I’m playing pin the tail on the donkey! Spin me again!!! I need to find my Zen!!

Signing the papers

Yesterday was my birthday. I have finished my 44th year and am now starting towards my 45th. We went to the fertility clinic so that hubby could sign the consent paperwork to start IVF. I am terrified! I am almost positive that hubby is as well. I am trying my best to stay positive about the process and to have as little stress in my life as possible so that our chances of bringing a bundle into this world will be higher. I know. Good luck with that, right?!? But I’m trying, so that’s the important thing.